Thursday, June 9, 2011

Thirsty Thursday

1. I don't work at Loews. Just in case we happen to be at the same one, during the same time. And you mistake my royal blue shirt as a red, mesh uniform vest.

 How hilarious that one youg woman, came up to me while I was sitting at the little desk in front of the appliance customer service counter. Let me make myself clear: I was not sitting behind the desk, I was sitting at one of the two chairs in front of the desk, designed for customers to sit and browse through the thickly binded catalog (in unabridged dictionary fashion). I was sitting there with my purse and car keys scattered precariously on the table, flipping through appliances while the salesman followed my mother to get a reference number of a refrigerator we were looking at. And eventually purchased.

During that brief moment a young (like my age or younger) woman accompanied by her mother approached me like we were mid conversation. It was possibly the equivalent of being verbally jumped sans cables. Or maybe she had cables.

She started hurriedly explaining the type of refrigerator they were looking for and wondered if we had anything like that. And since I had spent a half hour prior familiarizing myself with the appliances in stock, I showed them a few stainless steel units with french doors and informed them that every refrigerator is 10 % off including the ones already at a clearance price.

And the best part was when they asked if I worked on commission and I told them no, but someone that works here does. And then I walked away, while their jaws fought gravity and I heard the mom say something to the effect of, "See, I saw her car keys on the table and her purse." And the daughter replied, "I thought she was just chillin".

2. It was so hot today, the albinos were sweating as much as those wrestlers that wear parkas while on the cardio machines the gym. See, Hank, I was creative enough to not use any racial comparisons. Which, by the way, something referred to as a "racial simile" does not sound as crass or off-putting as a "racial slur". Also, a usable term and possibly inappropriate, but manages to warm my heart, racial slurpee.

3. Why is it that the floors of Famous Daves are always sticky? What are the workers doing in there when they open the restaurant? I almost don't want to think about it because I love their sides of macaroni and cheese so much (baked with jalapeno and corn mixed in) and their sweet and zesty sauce. Although, if the workers are getting sweet and zesty in there when the doors are closed and my back is turned, I do not want to know. Especially since 90% of the employees are men. And there are deer heads hanging on the walls.

There is a time and a place for all things sexy, creepy, and  furry handcuffs but surrounded by deer heads and hunting paraphernalia around bbq sauces called"the Devil' Spit", is not...well, actually now that I think about it, this sounds a lot like a weird porno one of your close friends would be in without telling you. So your husband watches her flick, finds out she's bucking the taxidermy deer with her pseudo-ram horns, and doesn't say anything because then you will know his weird fetish porn habits. 

Only, now he's watched your friend do weird things on weird things and all he can do is avoid eye contact with said friend every time he sees her! or him. This is obviously me being objective here. I don't even have a husband. In this country.

4. Check out the Google sign today! It is designed like a guitar to celebrate Les Paul's birthday! And the best part is that you can strum the google sign and it makes music. So if you can't afford an expensive, but beautiful, Les Paul guitar, this might be the next (well, next, next, next next, next) best thing.

5. I am so tired, I need a pick-me-up. I think I'll just drive around to antique stores, consignment shops, estate sales, and garage sales to see if anyone is selling their emmy. Then I will purchase it with some food stamps/tramp stamps and hang it on my shelf of other people's emmy's, grammys, tonys, nobel peace prizes, purple hearts, oscars, and hot dog eating competition trophies, and I will stare at all my accomplishments until I pass out into a deep slumber.

Then I will wake up from the thunderstorm, make myself a snack, and flip through the channels for shows like, "The Devil Wears Nada", " The Girls first Lesbian Girlfriend" (as if there is any other kind of girlfriend for a girl) and, "Pawn Stars" (which is actually just about a family owned pawn shop on the History Channel, but still very enjoyable to watch. God I love that Chumlee! Especially during the Christmas episode where he dresses up as an elf--he's just the cutest, chubby, unmotivated idiot --I want to adopt him for my stuffed animal collection).

What I love about--well, my motivation for telling you all this: Some of you out there in the matrix of the web, don't know if I am kidding or not. And who am I to spoil it for you?

Until next time...

Over and Out:kshh
-Michelle J

No comments:

Post a Comment