Tuesday, April 12, 2011

What the Whahut? Or is it still called a Wigwam? It's Tuesday.

1. I feel bad for my girl Kirstie Alley. It has not been her week(s). Last week she was dropped by her partner Maks, in front of millions during the live DWTS show. This week she lost a shoe mid dance. Whether falling on her ass (being dropped because his "knee gave out") or accidentally turning into a plus sized Cinderella, Lord Alley does not let it affect the rest of her dances (Lord of the dance!). She gets back up, and executes each line gracefully like the Nazi's at Auschwitz like a Swiffer Wet Jet.
 (Too much?)

Of course I am rootbeering for her. And if my support for someone has any special, magic bean powers, like Ellen's support for the two NFL teams that won the past two Superbowls (Saints and Packers respectively), Lord Alley is sure to win.

2. My favorite breakfast/brunch and lunch place is coming to a town near me! What the what? Turning Points, which is located an hour from me in Long Branch , is my favorite brunch place in this fine state. The only downside is that this new Turning Points location does not have an ocean view. But, it has the best food and coffee (and hookers) around. So naturally, when I discovered they were opening up one only ten minutes from me, I was ecstatic.
And erect.

3. There's a book on Inn-and-Out at Barnes and Noble? What the What? I should explain myself before you get the impression that the book is  about quickie sex or the ways to successfully chloroform people and perform surgery to sell their organs on the black market.

No worries.  You can stop hugging your kidneys, Hank! This book is about my favorite fast-food restaurant in the world: Inn-and-Out Burger. That's right. That simple, minimalist burger joint, has the freshest, best tasting burgers, fries and shakes. Everything  is made right when it's ordered. You can even watch the guys slice the potatoes! It's a better, purer version of five guys.

So anyway, this Southern California, and even Nevada/Arizona, staple has it's own book (and a New York Times Best seller at that!). I'm there!
 
4. Speaking of staples, I was at the office supplies store ,Staples, today.  A Willy-Wanka-Wanker that worked in the technology dept. dropped his pants down while he tucked in his shirt. And my mom and I were standing right next to him.  What the What?  It was bad enough that said  worker was breathing down our necks, and smacking his gum gang bang style, while I was looking for a new cell phone case.

The man's undies were exposed, while his belt was gaping open like a sex doll's mouth. (Isn't it weird that those dolls always look so surprised? No offense, Hank. You know we all think your wife's a real stand-up gal...)

Anyway, I thought that display was inappropriate. I, the Quing of inappropriateness, thought it was too much, too unprofessional for a public workplace.  So I called INS and sent droopy pants back to the Congo. No, no I did not.

But I wanted to call someone. So a call to the Jehovah's Witness Protection Center seemed like the next best thing. What else do they have to do?  Nothing. Nothing so long as the J W's are still out on the prowl. The government should have them register like sex offenders so you know when one moves into your neighborhood.

Tangent Cont'd:
News Week says Obama needs a new campaign strategy if he wants to win the next election. Well, there it is, Barry: Registered Jehovah's Witness offenders. Think about it. And thank me later with an edible arrangement. Or make me one of Oprah's illegitimate children favorite things.

End of Tangent


5. Jen Aniston's Sex Tape

What-the-What? This is some brilliant marketing though. Good for you, Smart Water!



Welp (A combination of Well and Gulp),I am mind-numbingly exhausted folks. And far too lazy to add photos, so check back tomorrow to see if I made any updates/corrections/ babies for sell. If they have an extra finger or two, don't freak out. It's probably from a new additive in their feed. So far the chickens/ heifers seem to love it.

I am going to roll out whole wheat style and leave you with a few thoughts to digest.

 If anyone can figure out what the underlying theme or what twisted cliche connects all these words together, I will send the winner his/her choice of the following: A free Poo Pies t-shirt, a jar of mixed farts( from me and the homeless guy in front of 7-Eleven), Hank's sperm, or a couple of dates with me ( not to be confused with a fig, it's close cousin). 

I will post the answer during next week's "What-the-What?Tuesday" segment.So start pulling adages out of the rainy day spank bank, and put your hopes, dreams, and money where Hank's wife's lady thong is.

(Or put it in the comment box/ my e-mail)

good luck.

Over and Out:kshh
-Canoodles

Poo Pie's Sexy Contesto:

men
human
menopause
menstrual cycle
meningitis
menace
mean

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