Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Poo-Pies.Corn

Well, hello all!

Welcome to my new domain name: poo-pies.corn.com! Not to be confused with poopies.com which will undoubtedly take you to a web page that acts as a host for links to fetish/kinky pornographic websites. Yup. Of course it is... So don't forget that dash between the poo and the pie. (That's what the fetish guy said)

It's about time to have the URL fit my blog name so I decided to buy so my dad bought me the domain. And we are very excited here at Poo Pies Inc/ LLP /.gov  (wait what?)

Speaking of weird fetishes, has anyone seen that new show on TLC, Extreme Couponing?  It's literally the first thing that comes up when I start typing the word,"extreme" into the google task bar. Second is Extreme Home Makeover. Followed by Extreme Terrorist Makeover. Hot damn, they gave that Ali a fohawk, a chin tuck, and bedazzled his compact assault rifle?(Alright, Alright... I made that last one up)

Anyway, Extreme Couponing is a beastly addiction/second job for all the people on this show. It's a well planned out process that involves one , two, three, or four trips to the grocery store(s) to price products out, then take inventory on ones' cut coupons, then organizing said coupons with the items needed for purchase, then a trip to the grocery store where two, three, four, five...nine carts are needed to check out all these items. That's right, one man needed NINE.
(He is straight too!)

A lot of these extremists will stalk and stock up on these items that they don't even need but end up getting for free.

For instance, one woman had a coupon for tomato sauce and with her rewards points she got each jar free. She bought 40 jars in all. 40 free jars-o-sauce. What-the-What? That same lady was even dumpster diving for extra coups with her pregnant friend and her five-ish year-old son at the beginning of her "coupon journey".

And all these people have either a basement, several bedrooms, or a garage filled with enough products for them to start a corner store. Seriously, one man had enough toilet paper to last him and his wife four years.

And again, they have thousands of dollars worth of groceries that they get for next to nothing. Some woman had $670 worth of groceries at check-out and after all her coupons were scanned she only paid, $14.00. Fourteen Dollars!
Another man bought FIVE THOUSAND dollars worth of produce and he only paid...get this... are you ready? I don't know if you can handle this:
$35.00.
That's over 95% savings! Yup, this just makes me sick and insulted. This show says we are all idiots. We pay way too much for groceries and don't think twice about using coupons. I mean seeing something say 35 cents off or even a dollar off doesn't seem worth cutting out of the newspaper and remembering to put it in the abyss, the black hole that is a purse, and remember to scan it at check-out.

Not any more,folks! I am going to make a real attempt, to try and use a coup once and awhile. Right? that's a new lap-top dance I could be buying instead.

I could be donating that money I save to Charity and her older sister with the weird mole on her back.

I could be helping a fat kid eat tomorrow. And more importantly, 

I could buy my own secret family one day.
Something to think about.



Hey you know, Mr. Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser, right? He's a hunk-a-saurous type of gay man that all the straight ladies go jungle juice fever for. You know the famous vegan/ L.A. personal trainer turned endorsement,turned sex icon, turned...nope he's still gay, but you get the point.

Well, I just found out today, that this Bob Harper is a whopper-with cheesing- 46 years-old! What-the- vegan!?That's almost the same age as my parents!
And my dad does not look like that! Not even in the dark, squinting through drivers-ed beer goggles from 500 yards away. Harper's healthy life-style literally took ten years off his life. I  thought he was only 36 or 37 like Jillian.

Image Courtesy of Dietsinreview.com.
Hey this picture makes a good transition piece, right? Left?

Two Adele songs were ninja-butchered this week,dull, lesbian machete style. The first, "Turning Tables" was sang by G-doggs Paltrow on yesterday's episode of Glee. And the second song, "Rolling in the Deep" was wrecked by Hailey Reinhart on American Idol tonight.
Sigh...Can anyone sing Adele other than Adele? Hank, your shower sessions don't count.


iwrote a bunch of points down on my iPhone yesterday for the What-the-what segment, but to speak honestly, I am just too Lazy Susan to even process another sentence right now. It's been a very exhausting past few days. So please forgive me, tonight. And to make it up to you, Hank, I will leave you with this bit:


I always think of inappropriate jokes while I'm working out. So today, while at the gym, I came up with the following:

1.Two priests and a pair of nun-chucks walk into a bar. It's a drag bar (maybe?) because it turns out they're both male nuns named Chuck and on a double dude date with the priests. Not ninja weapons, that Michelleangelo uses when her boyfriend falls asleep during pillow talk. No actual Sister Mary Clarences sans afro.


Maybe they're not even real nuns, maybe they're prostitutes and the priests are politicians that have separation anxiety with church and state, and rim work. Or maybe it's just Halloween. Or maybe they're undercover and under covers, and the whole thing is a dry dream. Or maybe this turns into another Chuck Norris joke? Who knows. Who even knows?
(Or wait...I'm supposed to know)
Yeah, I really need to work this joke out.


All right, NEXT. This is To Be Continued...


Another, punchier, more developed joke I came up with:

2.  A guy writes on a note and nervously passes it to his girlfriend during class. It reads" Will you Mary me?" The girl gets really excited and says," Yes, of course! Yes!" 
The guy looks a little surprised and extremely relieved. He says, "really?"
His girlfriend says, "Yes, really. How could I not? (beat) Oh one thing though, you spelled marry wrong. It should have two r's."
The guy looks at the girl and says," No, I mean Mary like the name of that Mary Magdalene or whatever her name is. You know, that Jewish broad that shleped around with Jesus."


Hahaha. Do you see what I did there? Do you get it? Because shleped is that Yiddish saying the Jewish community use frequently.  Am I Right? (Insert round of high-fives?)

(One low-five?) 

You know, the whole "Schlep this schlep, that , but don't schlep me, cuz I'm not like that," motto.Or not... Okay, so maybe that's not a saying but they do use schlep interchangeably with about every action verb in the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary. And in UrbanDictionary.com (And that is some freaky-deaky stuff)

Welp, that's all the meshugana and haha's I have for tonight.
I need to stop before I kaput something else. You know, butcher? Spoil. Wreck.Muddle. Muff. Mar. Botch. Flub. and my absolute favorite: Louse.

Thank you and goodnight,

Over and Out.

ksshhh.
-MichelleJ

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