Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Salty Piss Flippers! Andtit's Tuesday

1. Kirstie Alley is easily my new favorite person because she is 230 pounds of awesome sauce on that DWTS dance floor. Once again, the lady has moved and moo'd gracefully in her dancing shoes and rape whistle.

The judges gave her a slightly lower score than last week, but overall had great things to say about her performance.

Also, Alley is dancing with Maks, who is my second favorite male dancer( the first is Kfed Mark!) and is a bit of an ass slapper. Literally. Nothing makes me as giddy as Maks love tapping Lord Alley as she huffs up the stairs in front of him.  Last season's weird booty foreplay with Brandy really didn't do it for me,Maks. And it seemed a bit degrading (okay, a lot degrading). Butt (wa wa wa),this season, I say slap away.

2. Be warned friends: You buy one pair of technically uni-sex canvas Jack Purcell( The Badminton Champion) special edition converse shoes from J.Crew, and they will not stop sending you the men's catalog in the mail. Not only are they sending me the men's catalog, but they stopped sending me the women's catalog altogether. Que-el-Que? Awesome.

And guess what, folks: I'm still ordering from the men's catalog! That'll show them. Ha! Let's all laugh like their company penis shriveled at a pool party. 

Look, I can order a men's XS,S, and sometimes M, in cardigans/shirts without looking too manly awkward. Plus, sometimes stores make these awesome things for men, like Levi jeans for example, and  then I just look over to the women's side and sigh: a depressing array of inartistic, mediocre slabs of denim, linen, plaid and beyond. 

Quick Levi jeans tangent: So as of recent, I have come to love Levi Jeans! It's so hard to track down a great pair of their woman's line; but if you can, it's spectacular.
The great thing about the new design for Levi's is that they are well made--like Diesel, Rock and Republic, Paige, Chip and Pepper etc kind of quality-- but maintains it's classic essence without putting a huge dent in your metal wallet. So you can leave the store, or the website with a great new pair (or a receipt for a great new pair) for under $100. Or maybe even two pairs under a hundo (If one of them is on sale).

tangent contd: So how this correlates with men's clothing...well, the men's skinny and even straight leg jeans are at times, way nicer than the women's--or just easier to find nice ones, or at least to my liking--so I found out that I wear a men's waist: 28 and length: 32 (or sometimes 30) .  THUS, I purchased my first pair of men's skinny jeans last Thursday--and by the way they hug my ass--you really wouldn't be able to tell that they are men's jeans. 

So instead of being depressed about it, I'm just going to mix and match women and men's clothing until I can't pull it off anymore. Or until my face gets mangled by a drive-by tire and my parents sell me for 109 camels and two chickens to some middle eastern country that still considers women "unclean"  during their menstrual cycles.

Until then, J.Crew men's Military Cardigan and Washed, Irish Baird McNutt Linen camp in McCowen plaid/Gunnersby Gingham shirts--you're all mine.

3. I found a chocolate croissant at a bakery today! Finally. And it didn't look like someone sat on it when they had a freak case of the hello kitties. #Lady farts.

4. Tina Fey's memoir is coming out soon! What the..? The lady herself, plays a nerdy character, loosely based on her own life, on the show 30 Rock. Liz Lemon is the very essence of my episodic Tuesday specials. She is my source amnesia and says, "what-the-what", on the show, just not as much as I would Like-and-Ike.

And maybe one day my own exclamation, "Salty Piss Flippers!" will have it's own cult movement (and source amnesia effects for writers) from some sort of mass medium. Yes, Hank, Salty Piss Flippers is unabashedly, a sexual term.
And by "mass medium" I  mean a hefty, corn-husky psychic.

Anyway, Princess-FEY-a's, Bossy Pants, is her first memoir and her first real attempt at writing prose. She will also be touring the country in April, for said book release, signing books for titillation and Sarah Palin. Palin is unreportedly paying Fey in food stamps (and tramp stamps),  to sign her memoir,Going Rogue, since no one showed up for her book signings when she was on tour in Yemen . Or wait...

5. Hank, stop fact checking, I'm not claiming to be the NY Times! Nor the Snapple cap facts. So you can shut down your sting operation, Operation.
Buzzz. You hit a femur.

Roger that?

Over and Out: kshh
-Michelle J

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