Monday, March 14, 2011

Oprah's Favorite Things: The Spring Bathroom Reads Edition

Hey, It's not officially, but once we're out of February's crusty butthole, I consider all things March and beyond to be "spring". So to properly finish a sentence for once, "Hey, it's spring. And I have things I like to touch." 

Okay, so maybe the more complex route was actually more direct.

In this moment, I have some favorite things. Like Oprah. But my things have some differences:

1. For one thing, instead of having a slightly homo-erotic best friend,Gayle, I have Amanda.

Okay, so there may be less differences than I anticipated, but bear with me. or bare with me. I will accept both.

2. I don't have a romantic, long-term relationship with my vibrator, Steadman.

3.Blacks! I mean, Djarum Blacks Clove cigarettes, not people. I'm pretty sure Oprah has black friends other than Gayle and "Steadman". 

However, Djarum Blacks are technically called,  "cigars" now thanks to Obama's anti-flavored cigarette law, or bill, or post-it note.

4. Starbucks cake pops! But more about that on the next episode of "What the..What? Tuesday". And pretty much all things Starbucks: Starbucks-iced coffee, Starbucks iced-caramel mochas, Starbucks Casi-Cielo blend( Although, Pikes Place and a french pressed Gold Coast extra bold are also, favs), Starbucks Raspberry scones, Starbucks free-bees from all the points I rack up using my Starbucks Gold Card, Starbucks bathroom privacy for when I need to drop a dosado (or do-si-do). There's nothing better than a square dance over an oval porcelain bowl. Okay enough about that 'til Tuesday.

5. Ankle boots! But more specifically, these charming little nuggets from Ireland that Gayle gave me because they didn't fit her small penis. I mean feet. Luckily, my socks are big enough that I can wear the Irish boots without any discomfort. Thanks Gayle!


6. Sock-Sandals! What you have never heard of them? That's because I just made it up. Imagine a world with less Benny's strolling around my beaches wearing socks with sandals. Instead we have a simple compromise: A flesh-tone sock surreptitiously inserted into a sandal that does not compromise the integrity of the flip-flop. Insert a round of high-fives.

* Disclaimer: Benny's are the folks, Guido and non-Guido hailing from Bourgan County, Elizabeth, Newark, New York, and Yonkers) that flock down to New Jersey beaches (notice us locals don't call it the shore) like bloated seagulls and completely poop all over our boardwalks and clubs.

7. Cardigans. God, I still love cardigans. Everything is flowing and hanging out so my duduntatadas can breathe. It's when I feel most at ease with myself. And I can wear them all year. And at the beach with my sock-sandals.

Infinity cardigan
courtesy of
Actually, I kind of want this whole outfit. But, I'll take that face in a Medium.

8. Kings of Leon. They are a band and have much more to offer than "Sex on Fire" and "Use Somebody" from their fourth album. That's right, I said it, they have four albums (well, actually five now) and most people only know their current one, Come Around Sundown, and the previous,  Only by the Night. There is something respectable about a band that believes music is an art-form, not a dollar sign, and continues to challenge their music with each consequent album. Their record, "Use Somebody", won the 2009 Grammy for "Record of the Year" because they are talented gangbangers. and they're a good band too. But don't assume it's because it's their best record!

Let's check out their third album, Because of the Times. Get out your highlighter, Hank. Their song, "Knocked up" if my absolute favorite. It's simple instrumentally and lyrically. But a completely different sound than Only by the Night. This album is More The Smiths meets Red Hot Chili Peppers(Californication) meets Damien Rice. So naturally it's my favorite album. Anyway, this song is enough to make you want to go out and impregnate a woman.

And if you are anything like me and my currently deflated mail-order bride-zilla, and are having a difficult time conceiving, that's okay too. There's always alternative mating styles. Like Heterosexuality. or just open an account with my local sperm banker, Hank.

9. Antique typewriters. Hells yes, to antiquated forms of writing. There is nothing as gorgeous as the look, feel, and sound of the chords of an antique Underwood Standard being click-clit-clicked toward climax. Anyway, because of said zest for the type, my dear friend Gayle gave me an antique typewriter-key necklace as a Christmas present. It is one of my favorite things in this flat world.

10. Helvetica font. And just typography as an art form. Check out my favorite typography blog:

11. Using a pencil to underline paragraphs,sentences, or just words I find interesting in books. And if you feel like a non-fictive, quirky read this spring and want to learn more about the life of one of my favorite artists, try picking up, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol.

12.Sundays. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending my Sundays eating brunch, and reading a very fat  edition of the New York Times with a carafe filled with french-pressed coffee. It's not that I don't already spend the rest of the days reading the NYTimes, but Sunday's edition is the best. It contains extra material that the rest of the week's issues do not have.
Some of my favorite additions include: The New York Times Book Review (as featured below), The New York Times Magazine, and sometimes they include a New York Times Style Magazine (like in yesterdays issue),  an additional Arts and leisure section, the Sunday crossword puzzle, Week in Review, and Sunday Styles.

But other than that, Oprah and I are Practically the same person. Yup. Samsies.

Okay, why don't we just quit while I'm still cohesive. I am surriously exhausted from listing spring appropriate favorites, or just the things that I am interested in right now, and even more exhausted from taking photographs. There are just too many things that I could go on and get off about. And we all know, I am lazy like Susan. So for those reasons, I am going to quit you in the way that Brokeback Mountain clearly failed.

Plus, "Steadman" is feeling neglected and Gayle still hasn't figured out that Uni-Sexting should not involve me receiving said racy sexts. How are you even twisting your  legs like that?

Until tomorrow's episodic and possibly epileptic "What-the-what, Tuesday",


Over and Out: KSHH
-Michelle J

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