Hey, It's not officially, but once we're out of February's crusty butthole, I consider all things March and beyond to be "spring". So to properly finish a sentence for once, "Hey, it's spring. And I have things I like to touch."
Okay, so maybe the more complex route was actually more direct.
2. I don't have a romantic, long-term relationship with my vibrator, Steadman.
3.Blacks! I mean, Djarum Blacks Clove cigarettes, not people. I'm pretty sure Oprah has black friends other than Gayle and "Steadman".
However, Djarum Blacks are technically called, "cigars" now thanks to Obama's anti-flavored cigarette law, or bill, or post-it note.
4. Starbucks cake pops! But more about that on the next episode of "What the..What? Tuesday". And pretty much all things Starbucks: Starbucks-iced coffee, Starbucks iced-caramel mochas, Starbucks Casi-Cielo blend( Although, Pikes Place and a french pressed Gold Coast extra bold are also, favs), Starbucks Raspberry scones, Starbucks free-bees from all the points I rack up using my Starbucks Gold Card, Starbucks bathroom privacy for when I need to drop a dosado (or do-si-do). There's nothing better than a square dance over an oval porcelain bowl. Okay enough about that 'til Tuesday.
5. Ankle boots! But more specifically, these charming little nuggets from Ireland that Gayle gave me because they didn't fit her small penis. I mean feet. Luckily, my socks are big enough that I can wear the Irish boots without any discomfort. Thanks Gayle!
6. Sock-Sandals! What you have never heard of them? That's because I just made it up. Imagine a world with less Benny's strolling around my beaches wearing socks with sandals. Instead we have a simple compromise: A flesh-tone sock surreptitiously inserted into a sandal that does not compromise the integrity of the flip-flop. Insert a round of high-fives.
* Disclaimer: Benny's are the folks, Guido and non-Guido hailing from Bourgan County, Elizabeth, Newark, New York, and Yonkers) that flock down to New Jersey beaches (notice us locals don't call it the shore) like bloated seagulls and completely poop all over our boardwalks and clubs.
7. Cardigans. God, I still love cardigans. Everything is flowing and hanging out so my duduntatadas can breathe. It's when I feel most at ease with myself. And I can wear them all year. And at the beach with my sock-sandals.
courtesy of jcrew.com
Actually, I kind of want this whole outfit. But, I'll take that face in a Medium.
8. Kings of Leon. They are a band and have much more to offer than "Sex on Fire" and "Use Somebody" from their fourth album. That's right, I said it, they have four albums (well, actually five now) and most people only know their current one, Come Around Sundown, and the previous, Only by the Night. There is something respectable about a band that believes music is an art-form, not a dollar sign, and continues to challenge their music with each consequent album. Their record, "Use Somebody", won the 2009 Grammy for "Record of the Year" because they are talented gangbangers. and they're a good band too. But don't assume it's because it's their best record!
Let's check out their third album, Because of the Times. Get out your highlighter, Hank. Their song, "Knocked up" if my absolute favorite. It's simple instrumentally and lyrically. But a completely different sound than Only by the Night. This album is More The Smiths meets Red Hot Chili Peppers(Californication) meets Damien Rice. So naturally it's my favorite album. Anyway, this song is enough to make you want to go out and impregnate a woman.
And if you are anything like me and my currently deflated mail-order bride-zilla, and are having a difficult time conceiving, that's okay too. There's always alternative mating styles. Like Heterosexuality. or just open an account with my local sperm banker, Hank.
9. Antique typewriters. Hells yes, to antiquated forms of writing. There is nothing as gorgeous as the look, feel, and sound of the chords of an antique Underwood Standard being click-clit-clicked toward climax. Anyway, because of said zest for the type, my dear friend Gayle gave me an antique typewriter-key necklace as a Christmas present. It is one of my favorite things in this flat world.
11. Using a pencil to underline paragraphs,sentences, or just words I find interesting in books. And if you feel like a non-fictive, quirky read this spring and want to learn more about the life of one of my favorite artists, try picking up, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol.
But other than that, Oprah and I are Practically the same person. Yup. Samsies.