Monday, March 7, 2011

Listless. List. Less.

1. I am aware that I still owe physical therapy a propper blog post. It's good manners. And I will do so...eventually.

2. Charlie Sheen.

3. I am starting to get tired of the Inception Jokes. Now if they were more creative, I don't think these overdone jokes (i.e. T-Mobile commercial, the Academy Awards, Your mom) would have made my list of annoyances. By annoyances I mean, those little bugger grievances. It's  that bored look on Hank's girlfriend's face during sex (before she deflates) meets, some old lady knocking on the door when you've got a freak case of the squirts. It will not go away without driving you mad, annoyances.

Back to point 3:

Do you think Christopher Nolan just got high one night and stared at his Russian doll? Then he jotted some stuff in a notebook and in the morning BANG:

Inception.

And now everyone wants to make a bloody Inception joke: This baby in a blender. That skunk in a blender in a dream. I mean how ridiculous is it going to get, folks?

I can think of a lot of things within things that people are doing now since the movie came out:

a. pictures within pictures
b. humans within humans
c. a poo baby within a human within a bigger human within an ANACONDA within an x-ray picture.

Cut it out, people. It makes you look desperate. Or like needy followers. Let's deconstruct this notion for all intensive purposes: Think about it, trends start by followers. Followers copy leaders or originals (creative people). The Disciples followed Jesus. And now people still wear socks with sandals. See what I mean? How did we let this happen!?

If we are going to attack this at a quasi-intellectual (Notice how I didn't say"post modern". God, I'm not that annoying. That's a whole list in itself. Ahh, INCEPTED) level, then let's address the term, "META".

a. Metaphysics
b. Metapuns
c. Metamichelle

etc..

Right, there is always something deeper. Or literally "after" or "beyond". Something within something within something. All Inception really is, is the idea of "Meta". And for that fact alone, Christopher Nolan isn't even the original creator of Inception ( well, of the brilliantly written script, yes)!  So the real question is, who did he follow?

a. Aristotle?
b.God?
c.Oprah?
d. A bad stash of cigaweed?
e. both b. and c. are synonymous?
f. All of the above?

4. Last week I got my car washed, and waxed, and really the whole package they call "the works". Not even five minutes after I pull out of the car wash, a bird poops on my hood (Car not clitoral, Hank. If you don't cut it out, I'm going to start calling you Merv the Perv. Even if your name isn't legally Merv. I will change it. I can do that;I have boobs. Well...).

All I could do in that situation was throw my hands up in defeat. And sacrifice my first born. What else could I have done? I couldn't make that bird unpoop on my hood. Especially not as the founder of a non-prophet Pro-Poop-Choice organization. We just want to colonize your -oscopy. In a non-British kind of way.

Spread the word.

5. Scrub is the guy that gets no love from me.

Whether it's the the guy in the car next to me, the weirdo rehab technician at physical therapy, or Rosie O'Donnell.

Let's be honest ladies, we're usually not attracting the Brad Pitt's in the world. And if we are, they usually have some fatal flaw like: Infidelity, self-absorbed arrogance, Chlamydia, or have a oompa-loompa sexual fetish. So follow the simple rules of TLC to figure out if your man, or that idiot that won't stop asking you out, is a double-o-dud.

Take it away ladies:

1. A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
2. And is also known as a buster
3. Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)
[Chorus:]
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
4. Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
5. Trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me

6.But a scrub is checkin' me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
7.Cuz I'm lookin' like class and he's lookin' like trash
8. Can't get wit' no deadbeat ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time (no)

[Chorus]

9.If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
10. If you live at home wit' your momma 

Oh yes son I'm talking to you (baby)
11. If you have a shorty but you don't show love
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
12. Wanna get with me with no money 

Oh no I don't want no (oh)

If you checked "yes" to most of TLC's points, it might be time for some serious SPRING CLEANING in your life. And I'm not just talking about that small patch-of-imposible-to-reach with-a-razor-butt-hairs.TLC, Bon qui qui, and I all say, "Yo man need to go. Need to go!" Pretend he's the butt hairs and your "C-YA" chant is the razor. SO SHAVE!

Remember: I am woman, hear my stomach, vagina me ROAR. Or... something like that.

That's all the annoyances for tonight. Until next time or as my cousins say, Hasta Luego. Or until Hank gets arrested and I have to do my taxes myself...

Over and Out: KSHHH
-Michelle J

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