Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Camel and a Whale Hump Day Specials

So this is how this will work: In a similar vein to the "choose your own adventure books", I am just going to briefly list the "hot topics" (not the store locations) and let you decide which numbers you want to scroll down the screen to read more about. That way you can skip all the hobnob you're inherently obligated to skim through anyway. Capish? So choose carefully, because you can't erase what your eyes have seen. You can't take it back. You don't just forget walking in on your parents playing doctor sans gowns! No un-dones. Or undies for that matter. Good Lord, Kathleen. 

So here are the Hump Day Specials:


1.cosco
   hotdog
   churro
   carne asada bake
   tables
   Poland Springs
   birds
   poop

2. A hilarious video that I am convinced would be Amanda and I had we known each other as babies.

3.  A free People magazine came in the mail.

4. How to make the best iced coffee.



Choose Your Own Hooker Adventure:



1. I went to Cosco yesterday with my mother. At the end of our shopping my mom went to the concession stand to buy a drink and I noticed that they sell all kinds of food: Pizza, Hotdogs, Carne Asade bakes, churros, frozen Yogurt etc.

There was a buttload of people eating there and buying hot dogs. Needless to say, I am trying this new thing where I ...try new things, so I adventurously said, " Mom, I would like to try one of those penis shaped foods in a bun." Liz Lemon always makes them look so appealing on 30 Rock. I mean, no harm in that right?  Wrong.

Big 'ole mistake. Has anyone ever had a hotdog?? I now finally understand the plot of Fatal Attraction. Good Lord, I wanted to die after that first bite. And I really couldn't eat much more after that. I know I loved hotdogs when I was little, but man, that was rough.

I'm willing to try another hotdog at a location less sketchy and preferably bbq'd or at a stadium, but until some hotdog with awesome sauce turns up, I don't think I will be revisiting that episode.

So in order to get my esophagus to stop burning, My mom and I split a churro to wash down the chlamydia. It was just like old times. I mean...eating churros.

When we lived in California, I remember tagging along with my mom to Cosco runs. All the benches, tables, and food were outside because the weather is nice there. I remember buying churros and feeding the birds in between bites. Man those birds loved churros! They loved us too. And always showed their appreciation via white poops just nearly missing us. Good times.

So yesterday, My mother and I ate our churro, inside of course, and made fun of all the idiots trying to get water bottles from the semi-broken Poland Springs machine. We just sat there and giggled while these folks struggled, and pressed buttons frantically while expletives flew out of their asses. And they cursed too.

That is why my mom is my favorite person. She may not always understand my weird humor, but we can always be silly willies for the simplest reasons, and laugh our Depends off.

2. Here is a hilarious video of two babies. Think of two little mofo’s with a strange sense of humor 20 something years ago. And naturally one is power wagging herm’s finger like Hitler and telling poop jokes (me) and the other clad in only one sock while shim suppresses farts (typical Amanda):


Aha. That weirdo (Amanda) is one of my other favorite persons.


3.People magazine came in the mail yesterday. I was selected to receive a free issue. #Random House.

4. If you are an iced coffee enthusiast like muah, and like me, and are tired of getting watered down jizz juice from Dunkin Donuts, or grinds in your coffee from Starbucks, I have the perfect recipe for you.

Step 1. Buy your favorite bag of coffee. I recommend a nice medium roast like Pike Place from Starbucks. You can buy PP for around $9.99 per pound.

Step 2. Either brew some coffee the night before and refrigerate once it cools down, or use some left over coffee from the morning brew. So whether you are preparing a morning cup of iced coffee, or an afternoon cup, you’re coffee will be cooled down enough to pour over some crisp ice.

Step 3. And this is the most important step for the perfect cup of iced coffee: Use left over coffee from the day before to pour into an ice tray. That’s right; you will be making coffee-ice cubes! Remember those days of watered down coffee because of ice cubes? Not any more! Ice coffee cubes keep your drink cold without compromising the integrity of the coffee. That is why you can use a nice medium roast blend instead of hiking up the coffee’s boldness/intensity because of water dilution from ice.

I recommend a tray that comes with a lid. It is important to place a lid/covering over the top of the ice tray to protect the ice from bad odors or random nasties. You don’t want your coffee cubes to have a weird flavor.

Step 4. Pull out the ice tray from the night before and place your ice coffee cubes into your glass of cold coffee.

Step 5. Add any milk, cream, coffee mate, soy or almond milk, syrups, sugar etc and fix the coffee the way you like-and-ike. I usually just pour a tiny bit of French vanilla creamer and I’m all set.

Step 6. Guzzle your iced coffee, enjoy, and evil laugh at those days you spent mo-monies-mo problems on crappy, watered down, iced coffee, with coffee grinds and too much creamer swimming around in the mix.

I have a special cup that I bought from Starbucks for my iced coffee. It looks like a regular Starbucks iced coffee cup but it is actually a 16 ounce, Clear Acrylic Insulated Tumbler that even comes with a hard plastic green straw! You can stick both of those in the dishwasher and waa la: You have your own personalized, reusable, iced coffee cup decorated with the famous green Starbucks merman:


Well that's all for now, friends, Hank, and the Chang family down the street. Or is it the Chans? 
You can leave some comments if you have any coffee questions or generally just want to yell at me.

Roger that?

Over and Out:Kshh
-Michelle J

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