Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Camel and a Whale Hump Day Specials

So this is how this will work: In a similar vein to the "choose your own adventure books", I am just going to briefly list the "hot topics" (not the store locations) and let you decide which numbers you want to scroll down the screen to read more about. That way you can skip all the hobnob you're inherently obligated to skim through anyway. Capish? So choose carefully, because you can't erase what your eyes have seen. You can't take it back. You don't just forget walking in on your parents playing doctor sans gowns! No un-dones. Or undies for that matter. Good Lord, Kathleen. 

So here are the Hump Day Specials:


1.cosco
   hotdog
   churro
   carne asada bake
   tables
   Poland Springs
   birds
   poop

2. A hilarious video that I am convinced would be Amanda and I had we known each other as babies.

3.  A free People magazine came in the mail.

4. How to make the best iced coffee.



Choose Your Own Hooker Adventure:



1. I went to Cosco yesterday with my mother. At the end of our shopping my mom went to the concession stand to buy a drink and I noticed that they sell all kinds of food: Pizza, Hotdogs, Carne Asade bakes, churros, frozen Yogurt etc.

There was a buttload of people eating there and buying hot dogs. Needless to say, I am trying this new thing where I ...try new things, so I adventurously said, " Mom, I would like to try one of those penis shaped foods in a bun." Liz Lemon always makes them look so appealing on 30 Rock. I mean, no harm in that right?  Wrong.

Big 'ole mistake. Has anyone ever had a hotdog?? I now finally understand the plot of Fatal Attraction. Good Lord, I wanted to die after that first bite. And I really couldn't eat much more after that. I know I loved hotdogs when I was little, but man, that was rough.

I'm willing to try another hotdog at a location less sketchy and preferably bbq'd or at a stadium, but until some hotdog with awesome sauce turns up, I don't think I will be revisiting that episode.

So in order to get my esophagus to stop burning, My mom and I split a churro to wash down the chlamydia. It was just like old times. I mean...eating churros.

When we lived in California, I remember tagging along with my mom to Cosco runs. All the benches, tables, and food were outside because the weather is nice there. I remember buying churros and feeding the birds in between bites. Man those birds loved churros! They loved us too. And always showed their appreciation via white poops just nearly missing us. Good times.

So yesterday, My mother and I ate our churro, inside of course, and made fun of all the idiots trying to get water bottles from the semi-broken Poland Springs machine. We just sat there and giggled while these folks struggled, and pressed buttons frantically while expletives flew out of their asses. And they cursed too.

That is why my mom is my favorite person. She may not always understand my weird humor, but we can always be silly willies for the simplest reasons, and laugh our Depends off.

2. Here is a hilarious video of two babies. Think of two little mofo’s with a strange sense of humor 20 something years ago. And naturally one is power wagging herm’s finger like Hitler and telling poop jokes (me) and the other clad in only one sock while shim suppresses farts (typical Amanda):


Aha. That weirdo (Amanda) is one of my other favorite persons.


3.People magazine came in the mail yesterday. I was selected to receive a free issue. #Random House.

4. If you are an iced coffee enthusiast like muah, and like me, and are tired of getting watered down jizz juice from Dunkin Donuts, or grinds in your coffee from Starbucks, I have the perfect recipe for you.

Step 1. Buy your favorite bag of coffee. I recommend a nice medium roast like Pike Place from Starbucks. You can buy PP for around $9.99 per pound.

Step 2. Either brew some coffee the night before and refrigerate once it cools down, or use some left over coffee from the morning brew. So whether you are preparing a morning cup of iced coffee, or an afternoon cup, you’re coffee will be cooled down enough to pour over some crisp ice.

Step 3. And this is the most important step for the perfect cup of iced coffee: Use left over coffee from the day before to pour into an ice tray. That’s right; you will be making coffee-ice cubes! Remember those days of watered down coffee because of ice cubes? Not any more! Ice coffee cubes keep your drink cold without compromising the integrity of the coffee. That is why you can use a nice medium roast blend instead of hiking up the coffee’s boldness/intensity because of water dilution from ice.

I recommend a tray that comes with a lid. It is important to place a lid/covering over the top of the ice tray to protect the ice from bad odors or random nasties. You don’t want your coffee cubes to have a weird flavor.

Step 4. Pull out the ice tray from the night before and place your ice coffee cubes into your glass of cold coffee.

Step 5. Add any milk, cream, coffee mate, soy or almond milk, syrups, sugar etc and fix the coffee the way you like-and-ike. I usually just pour a tiny bit of French vanilla creamer and I’m all set.

Step 6. Guzzle your iced coffee, enjoy, and evil laugh at those days you spent mo-monies-mo problems on crappy, watered down, iced coffee, with coffee grinds and too much creamer swimming around in the mix.

I have a special cup that I bought from Starbucks for my iced coffee. It looks like a regular Starbucks iced coffee cup but it is actually a 16 ounce, Clear Acrylic Insulated Tumbler that even comes with a hard plastic green straw! You can stick both of those in the dishwasher and waa la: You have your own personalized, reusable, iced coffee cup decorated with the famous green Starbucks merman:


Well that's all for now, friends, Hank, and the Chang family down the street. Or is it the Chans? 
You can leave some comments if you have any coffee questions or generally just want to yell at me.

Roger that?

Over and Out:Kshh
-Michelle J

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Salty Piss Flippers! Andtit's Tuesday

1. Kirstie Alley is easily my new favorite person because she is 230 pounds of awesome sauce on that DWTS dance floor. Once again, the lady has moved and moo'd gracefully in her dancing shoes and rape whistle.

The judges gave her a slightly lower score than last week, but overall had great things to say about her performance.

Also, Alley is dancing with Maks, who is my second favorite male dancer( the first is Kfed Mark!) and is a bit of an ass slapper. Literally. Nothing makes me as giddy as Maks love tapping Lord Alley as she huffs up the stairs in front of him.  Last season's weird booty foreplay with Brandy really didn't do it for me,Maks. And it seemed a bit degrading (okay, a lot degrading). Butt (wa wa wa),this season, I say slap away.

2. Be warned friends: You buy one pair of technically uni-sex canvas Jack Purcell( The Badminton Champion) special edition converse shoes from J.Crew, and they will not stop sending you the men's catalog in the mail. Not only are they sending me the men's catalog, but they stopped sending me the women's catalog altogether. Que-el-Que? Awesome.

And guess what, folks: I'm still ordering from the men's catalog! That'll show them. Ha! Let's all laugh like their company penis shriveled at a pool party. 
What?

Look, I can order a men's XS,S, and sometimes M, in cardigans/shirts without looking too manly awkward. Plus, sometimes stores make these awesome things for men, like Levi jeans for example, and  then I just look over to the women's side and sigh: a depressing array of inartistic, mediocre slabs of denim, linen, plaid and beyond. 

Quick Levi jeans tangent: So as of recent, I have come to love Levi Jeans! It's so hard to track down a great pair of their woman's line; but if you can, it's spectacular.
The great thing about the new design for Levi's is that they are well made--like Diesel, Rock and Republic, Paige, Chip and Pepper etc kind of quality-- but maintains it's classic essence without putting a huge dent in your metal wallet. So you can leave the store, or the website with a great new pair (or a receipt for a great new pair) for under $100. Or maybe even two pairs under a hundo (If one of them is on sale).

tangent contd: So how this correlates with men's clothing...well, the men's skinny and even straight leg jeans are at times, way nicer than the women's--or just easier to find nice ones, or at least to my liking--so I found out that I wear a men's waist: 28 and length: 32 (or sometimes 30) .  THUS, I purchased my first pair of men's skinny jeans last Thursday--and by the way they hug my ass--you really wouldn't be able to tell that they are men's jeans. 

So instead of being depressed about it, I'm just going to mix and match women and men's clothing until I can't pull it off anymore. Or until my face gets mangled by a drive-by tire and my parents sell me for 109 camels and two chickens to some middle eastern country that still considers women "unclean"  during their menstrual cycles.

Until then, J.Crew men's Military Cardigan and Washed, Irish Baird McNutt Linen camp in McCowen plaid/Gunnersby Gingham shirts--you're all mine.

3. I found a chocolate croissant at a bakery today! Finally. And it didn't look like someone sat on it when they had a freak case of the hello kitties. #Lady farts.

4. Tina Fey's memoir is coming out soon! What the..? The lady herself, plays a nerdy character, loosely based on her own life, on the show 30 Rock. Liz Lemon is the very essence of my episodic Tuesday specials. She is my source amnesia and says, "what-the-what", on the show, just not as much as I would Like-and-Ike.

And maybe one day my own exclamation, "Salty Piss Flippers!" will have it's own cult movement (and source amnesia effects for writers) from some sort of mass medium. Yes, Hank, Salty Piss Flippers is unabashedly, a sexual term.
And by "mass medium" I  mean a hefty, corn-husky psychic.

Anyway, Princess-FEY-a's, Bossy Pants, is her first memoir and her first real attempt at writing prose. She will also be touring the country in April, for said book release, signing books for titillation and Sarah Palin. Palin is unreportedly paying Fey in food stamps (and tramp stamps),  to sign her memoir,Going Rogue, since no one showed up for her book signings when she was on tour in Yemen . Or wait...

5. Hank, stop fact checking, I'm not claiming to be the NY Times! Nor the Snapple cap facts. So you can shut down your sting operation, Operation.
Buzzz. You hit a femur.

Roger that?

Over and Out: kshh
-Michelle J

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What-the-Que? Martes

1. I bought $75 worth of k-cup coffee today. Que se dice?! There's a place locally that sells the k-cup's individually so I could mix and match. And I did. I filled two trays (14 cups per tray) and bought three boxes of half-caf. So...$75.

1.5. Speaking of coffee...Call me old fashion, but I prefer buying bags-o-coffee at Starbucks or the Mudhouse, and brewing it in a pot or french press. That's the way God intended.  I mean how many great things come instantly? Nada, Nunca, Nadie, Negro(Sorry, I got N happy) everything good takes time. Like baked mac-n-cheese (not yucky easy mac), and a healthy poop (no hemorrhoids here), and waiting for sex (Yeah...about that...).

2. The Dancing with the Stars  episode last night...what-the-que? I'm quite certain that the dancers are more famous than the stars. The biggest star this season is Kirstie Alley.
(pause for laughter and knee slaps)

If she collapses on stage, she might  turn into a vacuum, akin to a black hole, and suck out the souls and soles of the audience. And nobody wants that. So all of America, and her Gynecologist, are  rooting for her to stay on her feet.

Turns out ms. Mrs. Lord Alley received the second highest score of the night at an extra-cheese-whopper-ing, 23 points. Just don't get too crazy, K-Fed Special K K-doggs. The pacific tides have changed been through enough these past couple of weeks...

3.  What-the-Whahutt ( Like when Lady Gaga says "Born this Wahaaay" but with "Whahutt"):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1koTNddpcc

Enough said.

4.  Japan's nuclear plant continues to release toxic chemicals and radiation, My Labia Libya is a problem and now we're at war, those NYTimes journalists are safe but went through six days of abuse and disgusting groping ( Well, just the female in the group)--Plus, she straight up got punched in the dome( That's slang for "face", Hank)--and that show "19 Kids and Counting" is still airing new episodes on TLC (Okay, Shut it down folks).  The world is increasing in depressiosity (I made that up. "Depression" wasn't the right noun variation here)
What the what... universe?

 I'm with Ron Burgandy and Hank in a glass case of emotion. And I'm in a San Diego(Though, by myself  and rogue like Jonah). And that's what these current events do to me.

5. What the For Useful Carnal Knowledge?

That's all the what's I have to give tonight. Or at least in this moment, that my appendages are tingling pins and needles and syringes. So perhaps I will post more things and/or pictures as the languishing days progress  along with Gayle's  Steadman's impotence. Or after I perform the corn on the cob magic trick this evening.

Until Then, my loves...I'm off to stab dinner.

Over and Out: Kshh
-Michelle J

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Hey, How Did My Patty-Cakes Get Crabs?

Happy Patty-Cakes, kiddies.

The worst part of any holiday, other than being around extended family, are the cards, whether Hallmark or any other brand, no matter what holiday.

The cards are all lame. They literally make lepers seem more fun. This is why we should always make our own cards. Let the people choose, amen?

I mean instead of: "Happy Saint Patrick's Day.Cheers."

why not,

"Happy drink til you wretch because your life sucks day!"

Or

" Happy Salvation Day, you Irish Catholics. Partake in this communion and then get back on the boat!"

Or

" It's Saint Patrick's Day; He can cry if he wants to."

Let's just start being honest in our greeting card messages, Hallmark and Carlton and all you other leprechauns. Capishh? We will continue discussing this greeting card business some other time.

Today at physical therapy, my therapist was telling me that his 18 month year old daughter likes to take her pants off at daycare. I was so inspired ...when I got home I did the same.

We all have our own way of celebrating this Irish holiday.Just try not to have sex with any green people. Or any green cantaloupes (Because they're probably not ripe).

Be safe tonight, weirdos.

Over and out:kshh
-Michelle J


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

#Sheened!

Well leave it to the Sheenanator to use the collective force of his #fastball #Tigerblood#Warlock skills to help raise funds for Japan. Check out the video on his website: 

http://www.charliesheen.com/


I wonder if he's an Aquarious...

What do you think, Hank: Instead of Saying, "Owned" after unleasing a can of whoop-ass to someone, the term should be changed to "#SHEENED" Wapisshh?

You know like when a dog pees on his territory...he/she's sending a message akin to: "WAAPAA, I own this lumpy stump, Ya weiner,  #sheened."  See what I did there? Instead of "#owned!" Besides, owned sounds more like inflatable sex slaves or the anti-abolitionist riots of 1834.

No? Okay, sleep on it and we'll discuss it tomorrow. Also, how are my tax returns looking this year?

Over and Out #Kshh
-Michelle J.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just Another What-the-What? Tuesday

I realize that I have been making too many lists lately. Too many. But I have had a few, "what the what?" moments this week so please forgive me.

1. The Ides of March. The Ides of March! Today, on the fifteenth day of March a buttload of years ago, good 'ole Caesar got the pulp juiced out of him via 33 stabs of death. Ouch. Sucks to be you.

2. Oh my goodies-not my goodies-there is a phenomenon sweeping Starbucks: CAKE POPS! What-the-what are cake-pops? Well, friends, Cake pops are little balls-o-cake on a stick. Because when a cupcake loves a loli-pop they play a little leap frog and nine months later...BAM: Cake-pops.

Starbucks has three flavors of the pops: Birthday Cake, Tiramisu, and Rocky Road. I have tried the  latter two and both of them are excellent. My favorite of course is the Rocky Road sans marshmallows.

There are also other miniature goodies featured at Starbucks this Spring. It's all part of their "Petite" line. So treats such as tiny ass Carrot cupcakes (my favorite!), peanut butter and chocolate cupcakes( These are awesome too!), and red velvet whoopie pies are available for a-munchin'.

 

3.Holy Zodiac, I'm a cusp!? That literally never occurred to me even though my birthday is the last day cut off for Capricorns. I always wondered why I never really matched up to a lot of the Capricorn's traits. I mean, yes I love challenges and can certainly push myself to do anything both physically and mentally, and yes I feel career driven. However, it's not as extreme and self-absorbed, and tight-waded as the Capricorn.

So it's only natural that when I looked over to the Aquarius traits last night, that I felt a strong sense of self and connectedness to many of them. For example, "Aquarians are the most mysterious and unusual people....people think their habits are eccentric and crazy" Also, the most likely to be insomniacs because of constantly thinking.(And as you know, Hank,I cannot sleep for my life and don't know what I would do without Ambien). Also, they have an intense drive to constantly be creative and original. Also, very loyal in friendships. This is crazy! 

Of course, statistically Aquarians make up the majority of the signs in mental institutions. Of course...

And so much more, so have a look for yourself: http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Aquarius

4. I got a notice from Country Living magazine along with the latest issue of the magazine in the mail yesterday. It was a late notice informing me that I owed $12.00. What-the-what!?
Since when do I get Country Living magazine? What am I, Paula Dean? I grew up in Southern California and currently live in New Jersey. Why-o-Why do the gods think they are so hilarious? Good one, guys. Real funny.

5. I had physical therapy today. While I  was lying on the table and getting my neck stretched out by the therapist, I noticed Kenny (a rehab technician) looking down my shirt as he was "walking" by. I should probably be upset, feel violated, or even be  offended but, I was more curious if he found anything down there...
My chest is like Where's Waldo: The Flatland Edition.  I think it's actually more densely populated in my pants (Thanks to the steroids from  a few weeks back).

6. Oh this point gets me all hot and bothered in a non-sexy way. ROAR. I am both seriously and surriously ticked off by this royal wanker, Glenn Beck. That's right, you know it's bad if the British colloquialisms are being unleashed.

Glenn Freaking Beck, thinks he's the prophet Isaiah preaching about the wrath of God. Yes, If you haven't already heard, Hank, Mr. Beck blames the current crisis in Japan on God's judgment for what happened with Pearl Harbor. He thinks the Tsunami/earthquake and all this nuclear power-plant disaster is God's way of saying, "F- you, Japs, Karma is a big-boned bitch."

Um, no. Not Okay, Mr. High-and-Mighty Duck. I am so sick of these hyper-conservative-Fox News-supporting-radical weirdos likening disasters to the Old Testament's, "Theology of Retribution". It was the theory that people were sick and/or poor because they were bad.

Remember a few years back, when one of Beck's friends, Jerry Falwell (Founder of Liberty University) claimed 9/11 was God punishing the United States for homosexuality and feminism?

This is not retribution. This is a freak natural happenstance because the earth is old. And as fragile as the rest of us. Plate tectonics happen. They always have since their beginning. Crusts shift. And if we are going to be "BIBLICAL" in our opinions then let's draw from Genesis when God promised he wasn't going to flood the world again. Remember Noah? He had that ark and the animals  walked in two-by-two...And now we have rainbows as the sign that it won't happen again, right? That is biblical...

Thousands of people died in Japan. What kind of a God would be so angry that he would act as an executioner to innocent people (most of which weren't even alive during Pearl Harbor)? Just because someone is omniscient and all powerful, just because someone has the ability to wipe everyone from the earth, doesn't mean he or she will do it. God has nothing to prove.

 I think you are confusing the Bible with Greek Mythology, sir.Because that sounds more like Poseidon and not the loving, forgiving Lord Christianity is based on. Again, that's if we're going to get biblical here.

7. Sigh...I had better do another point so this post doesn't end on such a depressing note like a b flat.

The other day I was sorting through a couple of boxes in my closet and I found one of my old cameras. What-the-what?!  I didn't know there were any survivors of my once extensive camera collection. I am all kinds of excited, folks. I used to collect mostly vintage 8 mm and even 16 mm movie cameras when I was younger. The collection somehow "disappeared" during our move from California to New Jersey, and needless to say, I was very sad about this.

Honestly, they are not worth all that much monetarily. The binder I have filled with original, mint-condition Power Ranger cards are probably worth more. But they have such a nostalgic and sentimental value for me.

My grandfather got me hooked on gadgets--vintage binoculars, and cars, and cameras etcertera-- before he died. I was only five, so those are all the memories I get. But some of them are so vivid. And this found camera made me want to cry in a good way.
Of course I didn't though...

A Super 8mm Canon Canosound 514XL-S.  Unfortunately, it's not as old as the other camera's I had. This is only a late 60's-early 70's camera. But it has a pistol grip and that's badass.


Well that appears to be all the What-the-What!? epilipetic spasams that I can have for one Tuesday. So perhaps I will continue to add more favorite things throughout the week or maybe I will write about something that does not involve lists. We can only hope. Thanks for secretly reading my blog late at night in your bedrooms like it's HBO soft porn and you don't want your parents to hear the moans. I mean....wait.

Over and Out: KSHH
-Michelle J


Monday, March 14, 2011

Oprah's Favorite Things: The Spring Bathroom Reads Edition

Hey, It's not officially, but once we're out of February's crusty butthole, I consider all things March and beyond to be "spring". So to properly finish a sentence for once, "Hey, it's spring. And I have things I like to touch." 

Okay, so maybe the more complex route was actually more direct.

In this moment, I have some favorite things. Like Oprah. But my things have some differences:

1. For one thing, instead of having a slightly homo-erotic best friend,Gayle, I have Amanda.

Okay, so there may be less differences than I anticipated, but bear with me. or bare with me. I will accept both.

2. I don't have a romantic, long-term relationship with my vibrator, Steadman.

3.Blacks! I mean, Djarum Blacks Clove cigarettes, not people. I'm pretty sure Oprah has black friends other than Gayle and "Steadman". 

However, Djarum Blacks are technically called,  "cigars" now thanks to Obama's anti-flavored cigarette law, or bill, or post-it note.



4. Starbucks cake pops! But more about that on the next episode of "What the..What? Tuesday". And pretty much all things Starbucks: Starbucks-iced coffee, Starbucks iced-caramel mochas, Starbucks Casi-Cielo blend( Although, Pikes Place and a french pressed Gold Coast extra bold are also, favs), Starbucks Raspberry scones, Starbucks free-bees from all the points I rack up using my Starbucks Gold Card, Starbucks bathroom privacy for when I need to drop a dosado (or do-si-do). There's nothing better than a square dance over an oval porcelain bowl. Okay enough about that 'til Tuesday.



5. Ankle boots! But more specifically, these charming little nuggets from Ireland that Gayle gave me because they didn't fit her small penis. I mean feet. Luckily, my socks are big enough that I can wear the Irish boots without any discomfort. Thanks Gayle!

 


6. Sock-Sandals! What you have never heard of them? That's because I just made it up. Imagine a world with less Benny's strolling around my beaches wearing socks with sandals. Instead we have a simple compromise: A flesh-tone sock surreptitiously inserted into a sandal that does not compromise the integrity of the flip-flop. Insert a round of high-fives.

* Disclaimer: Benny's are the folks, Guido and non-Guido hailing from Bourgan County, Elizabeth, Newark, New York, and Yonkers) that flock down to New Jersey beaches (notice us locals don't call it the shore) like bloated seagulls and completely poop all over our boardwalks and clubs.

7. Cardigans. God, I still love cardigans. Everything is flowing and hanging out so my duduntatadas can breathe. It's when I feel most at ease with myself. And I can wear them all year. And at the beach with my sock-sandals.

Infinity cardigan
courtesy of jcrew.com
Actually, I kind of want this whole outfit. But, I'll take that face in a Medium.

8. Kings of Leon. They are a band and have much more to offer than "Sex on Fire" and "Use Somebody" from their fourth album. That's right, I said it, they have four albums (well, actually five now) and most people only know their current one, Come Around Sundown, and the previous,  Only by the Night. There is something respectable about a band that believes music is an art-form, not a dollar sign, and continues to challenge their music with each consequent album. Their record, "Use Somebody", won the 2009 Grammy for "Record of the Year" because they are talented gangbangers. and they're a good band too. But don't assume it's because it's their best record!

Let's check out their third album, Because of the Times. Get out your highlighter, Hank. Their song, "Knocked up" if my absolute favorite. It's simple instrumentally and lyrically. But a completely different sound than Only by the Night. This album is More The Smiths meets Red Hot Chili Peppers(Californication) meets Damien Rice. So naturally it's my favorite album. Anyway, this song is enough to make you want to go out and impregnate a woman.

And if you are anything like me and my currently deflated mail-order bride-zilla, and are having a difficult time conceiving, that's okay too. There's always alternative mating styles. Like Heterosexuality. or just open an account with my local sperm banker, Hank.


9. Antique typewriters. Hells yes, to antiquated forms of writing. There is nothing as gorgeous as the look, feel, and sound of the chords of an antique Underwood Standard being click-clit-clicked toward climax. Anyway, because of said zest for the type, my dear friend Gayle gave me an antique typewriter-key necklace as a Christmas present. It is one of my favorite things in this flat world.


10. Helvetica font. And just typography as an art form. Check out my favorite typography blog: ilovetypography.com

11. Using a pencil to underline paragraphs,sentences, or just words I find interesting in books. And if you feel like a non-fictive, quirky read this spring and want to learn more about the life of one of my favorite artists, try picking up, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol.


                                                                              
12.Sundays. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending my Sundays eating brunch, and reading a very fat  edition of the New York Times with a carafe filled with french-pressed coffee. It's not that I don't already spend the rest of the days reading the NYTimes, but Sunday's edition is the best. It contains extra material that the rest of the week's issues do not have.
Some of my favorite additions include: The New York Times Book Review (as featured below), The New York Times Magazine, and sometimes they include a New York Times Style Magazine (like in yesterdays issue),  an additional Arts and leisure section, the Sunday crossword puzzle, Week in Review, and Sunday Styles.


But other than that, Oprah and I are Practically the same person. Yup. Samsies.

Okay, why don't we just quit while I'm still cohesive. I am surriously exhausted from listing spring appropriate favorites, or just the things that I am interested in right now, and even more exhausted from taking photographs. There are just too many things that I could go on and get off about. And we all know, I am lazy like Susan. So for those reasons, I am going to quit you in the way that Brokeback Mountain clearly failed.

Plus, "Steadman" is feeling neglected and Gayle still hasn't figured out that Uni-Sexting should not involve me receiving said racy sexts. How are you even twisting your  legs like that?

Until tomorrow's episodic and possibly epileptic "What-the-what, Tuesday",

C YA

Over and Out: KSHH
-Michelle J

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What the...What!?

This segment is a little something I like to call : "What the What Tuesdays?"

I have two points and that is it. Two little statements and then I am pulling out like a form of defective birth control.

1. Today is Fat Tuesday. So let's get obese. Amen? I already did my part via Friendly's Frend-Z: Chocolate ice-cream with Oreos. And we all know that the cream in the Oreos is what makes Kirstie Alley the biggest planet in this solar system and keeps gravity from freaking out on the rest of us common folk. So it looks like I am covered on many levels.

2. Today my mom informed me that our family accountant's name is Hank. It has been for years. How funny that Stalker-Hank that does my imaginary taxes has the same name as Accountant-Hank that does my real taxes. 

And this has been yet another Hilarious Clinton moment.
Brought to you by:

Poo-Pie's "What the What Tuesdays".

and Oprah.

Hasta Luego, Kids. Stuff your greasy little faces tonight. Just don't eat and drive;Ya might drop that pickle.

Over and Out: KSHHH
-Michelle J

Monday, March 7, 2011

Listless. List. Less.

1. I am aware that I still owe physical therapy a propper blog post. It's good manners. And I will do so...eventually.

2. Charlie Sheen.

3. I am starting to get tired of the Inception Jokes. Now if they were more creative, I don't think these overdone jokes (i.e. T-Mobile commercial, the Academy Awards, Your mom) would have made my list of annoyances. By annoyances I mean, those little bugger grievances. It's  that bored look on Hank's girlfriend's face during sex (before she deflates) meets, some old lady knocking on the door when you've got a freak case of the squirts. It will not go away without driving you mad, annoyances.

Back to point 3:

Do you think Christopher Nolan just got high one night and stared at his Russian doll? Then he jotted some stuff in a notebook and in the morning BANG:

Inception.

And now everyone wants to make a bloody Inception joke: This baby in a blender. That skunk in a blender in a dream. I mean how ridiculous is it going to get, folks?

I can think of a lot of things within things that people are doing now since the movie came out:

a. pictures within pictures
b. humans within humans
c. a poo baby within a human within a bigger human within an ANACONDA within an x-ray picture.

Cut it out, people. It makes you look desperate. Or like needy followers. Let's deconstruct this notion for all intensive purposes: Think about it, trends start by followers. Followers copy leaders or originals (creative people). The Disciples followed Jesus. And now people still wear socks with sandals. See what I mean? How did we let this happen!?

If we are going to attack this at a quasi-intellectual (Notice how I didn't say"post modern". God, I'm not that annoying. That's a whole list in itself. Ahh, INCEPTED) level, then let's address the term, "META".

a. Metaphysics
b. Metapuns
c. Metamichelle

etc..

Right, there is always something deeper. Or literally "after" or "beyond". Something within something within something. All Inception really is, is the idea of "Meta". And for that fact alone, Christopher Nolan isn't even the original creator of Inception ( well, of the brilliantly written script, yes)!  So the real question is, who did he follow?

a. Aristotle?
b.God?
c.Oprah?
d. A bad stash of cigaweed?
e. both b. and c. are synonymous?
f. All of the above?

4. Last week I got my car washed, and waxed, and really the whole package they call "the works". Not even five minutes after I pull out of the car wash, a bird poops on my hood (Car not clitoral, Hank. If you don't cut it out, I'm going to start calling you Merv the Perv. Even if your name isn't legally Merv. I will change it. I can do that;I have boobs. Well...).

All I could do in that situation was throw my hands up in defeat. And sacrifice my first born. What else could I have done? I couldn't make that bird unpoop on my hood. Especially not as the founder of a non-prophet Pro-Poop-Choice organization. We just want to colonize your -oscopy. In a non-British kind of way.

Spread the word.

5. Scrub is the guy that gets no love from me.

Whether it's the the guy in the car next to me, the weirdo rehab technician at physical therapy, or Rosie O'Donnell.

Let's be honest ladies, we're usually not attracting the Brad Pitt's in the world. And if we are, they usually have some fatal flaw like: Infidelity, self-absorbed arrogance, Chlamydia, or have a oompa-loompa sexual fetish. So follow the simple rules of TLC to figure out if your man, or that idiot that won't stop asking you out, is a double-o-dud.

Take it away ladies:

1. A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly
2. And is also known as a buster
3. Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass
So (no)
[Chorus:]
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
4. Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
5. Trying to holler at me
I don't want no scrub
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hanging out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holler at me

6.But a scrub is checkin' me
But his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
7.Cuz I'm lookin' like class and he's lookin' like trash
8. Can't get wit' no deadbeat ass
So (no)

I don't want your number (no)
I don't want to give you mine and (no)
I don't want to meet you nowhere (no)
I don't want none of your time (no)

[Chorus]

9.If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
10. If you live at home wit' your momma 

Oh yes son I'm talking to you (baby)
11. If you have a shorty but you don't show love
Oh yes son I'm talking to you
12. Wanna get with me with no money 

Oh no I don't want no (oh)

If you checked "yes" to most of TLC's points, it might be time for some serious SPRING CLEANING in your life. And I'm not just talking about that small patch-of-imposible-to-reach with-a-razor-butt-hairs.TLC, Bon qui qui, and I all say, "Yo man need to go. Need to go!" Pretend he's the butt hairs and your "C-YA" chant is the razor. SO SHAVE!

Remember: I am woman, hear my stomach, vagina me ROAR. Or... something like that.

That's all the annoyances for tonight. Until next time or as my cousins say, Hasta Luego. Or until Hank gets arrested and I have to do my taxes myself...

Over and Out: KSHHH
-Michelle J