Sunday, January 30, 2011

Super Hero or Super Nero?

My boyfriend has been known for a few things:

1. Stability, sanity, saline solution.

2.Good taste in women. wine.

3. And above all else, the "watch dog" factor akin to an eager-bieber journalist.

Let's focus --or foci, if you're into calculus, Hank --on # 3 for a second. That's right, folks.
Said B-as-in-boy-friend keeps his ear to the ground and acts as a passive-aggressive caped vigilante.

Does he Jackie Chan killers that kidnapped the ambassador's daughter for ransom? No.

Does he try to club convenience store heist-ers after a stick-up like Kick-Ass or does he say, "Snootchie bootchies," like Bluntman and Chronic? No.

Does he drive a sweet black bat-mobile with more na na na's than batman and more gadgets than Inspector gadget himself? No die (Yes, singular. I lost the other one during Yatzee last night).


Does he sit around on his recliner and call the police the one time there's two high school girls screaming outside his house -- in his safe burbs neighborhood-- when he can't hear the t.v.? YES.

Does he call the police when a car swerves a little into our lane and then back out?  Boy George,Yes!

Does he blow his rape whistle when his girlfriend allegedly steals the covers?  God, my ears are still ringing. Sorry, what did you say?

Look some people walk with swagga, some people wear swag ,some people drive with swagger ( although, in some places it's still called "road head"). Instead of a shoulder-down limp, there's a cross-over lane dip. Since when was line dancing illegal?

What should be illegal is the cologne, Stetson, that all the fat cowboys wear. And those nasty SPURS that all the lesbian cowboys wear (Illigal-ize that, prop 8!) or..wait...
It hurts like a mother when I get the spur-side kick on my  right cankle during the cow boy boogie. And I'm not sure who is worse to bend over in front of at the water hole.

Back to the future:

Pay attention and write this down, Hank (My taxes can wait):

I say Dateline should give him [boyfriend] a show. Bring back Scruff McGruff and that host of "To Catch a Predator" and put them in a hamster ball and see what you get. That's a show about vigilante, law-fighting, tight wearing, mustachioed-watch-doggy -style, but not quite beastiality, good o'l crime stopin' lovin'.And all from your recliner. 

Am I right? So quitcha' worryin', plop back on the couch, and read your Tom Clancy romance novels. People need to learn their own(s) lessons and get caught doing something Jewish annoying on their own time.

Honestly, are you a super hero or a super Nero? Just to be safe, I'm going to hide the candle sticks and matches from you. Don't get any ideas.

Over and Out: Kkssshhhhhh.

1. Images courtesy of google Images. 2. I had the full consent of said b-friend to make such remarks, jokes, and racial slurpies about him. Its all in good, clean jest, Hank. And I'm sorry I yelled at you when you were doing my taxes. Keep crunching  those numbers like it's braille pornography. But stop sorting through my mail. and laundry. thanks.

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