Friday, January 7, 2011

Shoeflies! And Stop Laying Your Eggs in My Caviar!

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Helvetica is my favorite font! Let that be known. Let your beady little eyes feast upon the bounty that is the greatest sans serif ( meaning without "wings" or "feet") font created by the Swedish. Or maybe it's the Swiss? We'll just say it was the Swish, and agree to disagree.

Swiss trademarks: the Holy Swiss cheese, the  Swiss pocket knife, Swiss chocolate, and the lovely little Swiss-made Movado watches (but who wears those?)

Swedish trademarks:

Okay, so maybe all the Swedish have are the fish. So what?

Are we going to leave them to kick the dusty curb? To curdle like little cow terds in old-i-forgot-to-check-the-date- milk? Hells Kitchen, no!

Friends, Swedish Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I come to bury Caesar.(Wait, that last bit doesn't apply)

And heed my battle cry:

"We will not forget the Swedish children who broke backs that-that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and propper that we should do this. But in a larger Swedey-sense, we can not dedicate, we can not concecrate Swedish orange juice, we can not hallow this Swede..i mean..ground! the brave men, living Swedely and Swedely dead, who struggled here, have concecrated it far above our power to add or detract acidity levels. The world will little note, nor long remember what we Swede here, but they can never forget what they Swedies did here. It is for us the living Swedeheads rather to be dedicated here to the unswedished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be Swede here dedicated to the great Swede-task remaining Swedly before us. That from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave their last full-Swede measure of devotion, that we here highly resolve that these dead mothersweders shall not have died in Swedey vain. that this nation under God-Swede shall have a new Swedish afterbirth of freedom. and that the government of the people, by the people and for the mothersweding people, shall not perish Swedily from the Swedish earth!"

Okay, so maybe that was just the ending of The Gettysburg Address, add or detract a few "Swede" references . And an "afterbirth". But I don't think Abe would think this was honest otherwise: Hiding the Swedish children from the world and stuffing them in some attic where they write in a diary everyday and eat their fingers feelings. That's Ludacris! (no literally, I saw him in a Lifetime Special) Or maybe it was Hansel and Gretel (the jewish version)?

My proposal: World peace? End global warming?Better contraceptive/ population control for hyper-conservative Fox News employees? Well, technically yes. But until then, I propose to lump the famed Swiss and the lamed Swedish into a new nation of peoples. Call it the Swish. Call it the CLAP. Just don't call boarder control. 

Just give them a chance, peoples. Give them a flag and fly them to the moon.Give them an std. Because that's democracy, minus the cow boy hats.

But really that's all this blog is, an escapist's haven: A couple of ha ha's and a lego-tower with a quasi-Grendel waiting to flash you--ahem--two latterns are better than one lattern. Or I suppose it would be called a unilantern.either way, the British are coming

like Jesus.

So get ready. Cast down your nets of Lincoln Logs. And follow me, you little monkey butts--or i'll go Abe shit--and I will make you fishers of poop,clad in a top hat and awkward beard, next time the toilet clogs. Amen?

**Disclosure: we are in no way slandering the aformentioned Shoefly pies. Nor do we consider them a threat, nor do we condone consumption, nor do we condemn constipation.

This has been an endorsement of poo pies dot com after prom

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