Monday, January 31, 2011

Mex I Can or Mex I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Image courtesy of Google Images

The Mexicans seem to be everywhere lately.

CNN's tweets say the gangs are too quiet, Amanda says they are outside her building pseudo-mariachi style, I say "Hey, maybe that's my cousin," every time the gardeners are outside.

But what I really want to evaluate is the Mexican resume as a whole. What do they, and parts of me, have to offer the world other than services at a cheaper rate due to language barriers?

1. Well, there is the beloved piñata that all the white kids go ape shit for. Don't twist your panties, Bobby, everyone will get a swing. And if not, at least a few treats will fall from the heavens. And by heavens I mean the unicorn carcass. And the entrails will scatter to the earth like dead birds after the fireworks.

2. I am currently drinking apple soda, Sidral Mudet, imported from Mexico.  I know it's authentic because I found a tongue in the bottle.

The store was out of Schweppes ginger ale --And I hate to settle for any other kind of ginger ale because the taste is so obviously inferior--so I stuck to my guns and my  motto: Go big or go Mexican. 

And I bought the apple soda, because it's my favorite and reminds me of my first  experience in the most authentically Mexican place there is: The Puerto Vallarta airport.

3. Mexican Sweet Bread. And really what else can I say about that except that it trumps everything in it's path. Even Donald.

4. The Macarena--I'm not sure it's even Mexican in origin. Especially since the most dance exposure we get is around a hat, but Los del Rio is Spanish so it might as well be the Mexican kind.

Do you remember the simpler times when all we had to do was wave our hands around and touch ourselves like we were just  lonely on a Friday night? I mean giving myself a hug and shaking my hungry hippos a little --yeah that's easy to remember. Now we have all kinds of steps, and choreography, and Shakira shaking her ass like it's not even connected to her body. We live in complicated times.

5. Mariachi bands- Sorry Amanda, you're getting gypped. An authentic, full mariachi band might be one of the most wonderful, bad ass musical genres ever created! Who doesn't love jolly, mofos, clad in bedazzled sombreros and Mexi-Elvis outfits? Although, they can get annoying after awhile. Especially after the tequila's gone.

6. Tequila- So long as you can drink it without your body breaking out into hives because it's incapable of digesting the alcohol like ten percent of Asians.

7. Margaritas- with the help of number 6 of course.

8. Indentured servants! My first housekeeper's name was Maria. My parents fired her after we realized she was stealing my beanie babies. That's why they say never work for family.

9. Chubby Mexican boys--Like Rico Rodriguez from "Modern Family". I too hope to have my own Manny one day. There's just something about a little pudgy Mexican boy that makes you want to squeeze him until his sides bulge out a little, like Gak. So precious.

10. The caliente women. Enough said.

11. Huevos Rancheros- It's Mexican brunch food gone right!

12. Yes Mexican food is always a good time --just not right before sex-- but more specifically, I'd like to pay tribute to the overused but not abused Avacado.

You, Avacado, have given us something to look forward to everyday. Whether in our omelettes or sandwhiches, or preprared in a Mexican dish, you are there for us. You are the main ingredient of guacamole! Thank you for being born in the hands of some wetback that is undoubtedly, one of my cousins cousins. Amen.

Or A Hombres, rather. jajajajaja

It didn't make the list but it definately deserves an honorable Mention:

Lalalalabamba. Oh Ritchie Valens. You were the Meximan. And you are greatly missed.

Well, the list has come to an end. That was a more exhaustive resume than I expected. I know there are other good things about Mexicans that if I squint and squeeze really hard, I will eventually remember. But until then, I'm signing off to go eat some Italian food.

Adios, amigos y Hank!  Hasta Luego...

Over and out: kksshhhhh.